A little piece of my heart

When having a boyfriend or girlfriend ideally we like to think that we are the only ones that have their heart, but in reality… is that even possible. Ideally it would be nice to say “you have all of my heart” but what does that really mean? I have said ‘I love you’ to three different guys, and I meant it each and every time. Those words are not to be taken lightly, and they weren’t. I truly did love them when I said it, and I even say ‘I love you with all my heart’ that is a little different. What defines all of your heart. All the room that is left in your heart? I honestly can say that I have said ‘I love you with all my heart’ to two guys, and I meant it. I personally think that ‘I love you with all my heart’ = ‘I love you with all the space left in me heart’. Because once you love someone I don’t believe that love goes away. There will always be those little things that you can’t stop thinking about. Or that one time when you realized you loved that person, or the little things. I am a firm believer that the little things add up to be more important than the big things. And even though as life goes on and we date people and break up with them, or as we love someone and lose someone they will always be in our hearts. And as the spaces in our hearts gets filled up we just have to fit the new love into a smaller-ish place. I don’t think that your heart is ever to full for more love. So even though past loves have a piece of your heart that doesn’t make your present love have any less of it. So even though we like to think that we are the only person that they love, it’s not true, they might love their past loves, but that doesn’t make them love us any less. Just make sure that if you say I love you, mean it. Those are not words to take lightly. There will be more on this later.

~Until next time~
L8rz

Unable To Sleep

Okay, so for the past month plus I have not been able to sleep until like 3 or 4… sometimes later. Not really sure why, that is just how its been going. I have done everything I can think of to keep busy and tonight I have ran out of ideas. Don’t ask me what I have been doing, its really nothing at all, just looking around my room, being entertained by a rubber binder for like 5 hours, stupid things like that. But now I can’t find anything to keep me entertained. Not even a paper clip! It is very sad. I can’t sit still to read a book I can’t really sit and do anything. Even doing this is kind of irritating, I just don’t know what else to do. Grrness! My arm is really restless. It is kinda funny. Reminds me of Donnie cuz it keeps twitching… and so does my leg. Bleh. Stupid restlessness. This started to get really bad when I started having really REALLY bad dreams. I used to have ok one where I would die on something funny (slipping on banana peal or something) and yeah they used to get really bad and brutal but now they have gone up like 15 time worse. I would only be the cause of my own death in like 1 a week maybe, now its almost every night if not more. Like the other night I killed myself by pulling glass out of my side and bead out… well I will just tell the story. lol

I was running at the ALC (its a school that is in flake (Forest Lake) a nice little track that is kinda out of the way of everything else so no one really sees you or bothers you) it was midnight or so and I was by myself when a dark figure started coming towards me so I started to run away from it. (Dark figures are scary). And I ended up by Liz’s house. (Liz is one of my kinda friends, its hard to tell what to actually call her. lol. So I will go with kinda friend kinda not). Well I ran over by her house and got hit by a car, a piece of glass flew into my side and was like 6 inches into my side, and it was bleeding. Liz came out and then called 911, and I said “I will be fine as long as we don’t take the glass out.” (Yes, even in my dreams I am logical) lol. Well my Ex-boyfriend, Evan, walked out of Liz’s house (he has been ignoring me because I started dating my best friend like 2 weeks after I broke up with him… so the silent treatment is deserved… but I kinda feel like its out of spite.) anyways, when I saw him I pulled the glass out and could feel the blood drain from my body.

Its dreams like those that make me want to stay awake.

Then sometimes I have dreams about my boyfriend, Jon, who is at drill right now. Those dreams make me want to go to bed so that I can dream about him, but its hard to compromise with my mind. lol. The dreams about Jon are way better. We cuddle and snuggle and stuff. Sometimes hang out with friends and his family. That is always a blast awake or dreaming. They are great. I love them!

On saturday I went to Devins birthday party, he turned 7. (Devin is Jons sisters son… so Jons nefew). I gave him a transformer. He was really excited about it, so that was cool. He also got a bike for his birthday, that was his favorite thing. After the party (from 3 to 6) I went back to Patty’s house (Patty = Jon’s mom) and talked with her until like 8:30 9ish. That was extreamly fun. I dont know why, I just really like his family. OH! I learned where Jon gets his arumentary side from. She is a hoot. 🙂 I heard many stories about the whole family. And I got to meet his brother Alex. That was exciting. They are a fun family. I took a lot of pictures of the Ann and Don’s baby (Ann = Jon’s sister (the oldest) Don = Ann’s husband and father of Devin(7) and Aden(6 months)) Cliff (Patty’s boyfriend basically husband) was away in a different state with his daughter, Isha, and her two kids, Antwan and Jazzy. I think they were visiting Isha’s mom. Not really sure.

I should really try and go to bed… but I am so not tiered! maybe I will just stretch or something. I am trying to get in shape. lol. WOOT!! –doulbe you-0-0-tea– WOOT!!

Thank you for reading!
~Until next time~
L8rz

MAMMA MiA

Ok, so I went to see MAMMA MiA with my mom and feel madly in love. It was the most amazing movie I have seen in a long time, and I know exactly why. It’s the love story! They play it off as it revolves around Sophie, HA! What a lie! It’s about the mom being with the man she loves! I have seen the play 3 times, and the movie 2 times, and I was adicted to the sound track for a long time. So I know it inside out. 🙂 And I just cant stop thinking about it. There were parts that made me so sad I cried! Like when the mom (I wana say her name is Donna) sings “The Winner Takes It All” Ah it was heart renching, and I loved it! I love sad things. I would talk about it more but I dont want to spoil the movie for anyone. GO SEE IT!! ITS WORTH EVERY PENNY AND THEN SOME!

Thank you for reading!
~Until next time~
L8rz

Missing Him

So I definitely hung out with my best friend, Christina, and her kinda boyfriend, Tyler, who happened to be my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me. I am actually really happy for them. I have been getting all giggly and stuff with her. 🙂 I was giggly about it way before she was. They were just making me sad cuz they were so cute, holding hands and stuff. It made me miss my boyfriend, Jon. I want him to come home now! I fucking hate the army. I know its not their fault that he is gone, he chose to join after all but I really wish he was back already. It’s only been one week and four days, but it feels like forever. I just want to be with him again so I’m not all depressed when I am with Christina and Tyler. I don’t want to get jealous about them. They are so cute together that it makes me happy, but it also makes me sad. I am jealous for so many reasons. They get to be happy and have people not care about it. People are happy that they are happy. I wish that people would be happy about Jon and me too. I know that isn’t going to happen because we were basically forbidden to date each other but it seems so unfair. We hurt people and yes that is wrong I don’t want people to sit there and say that its right, its just that I hate the feeling of… them wanting me to be unhappy… I don’t know if that the right words for it. Half the time I want someone to day that its okay that I am dating Jon because it makes me happy, but the other part of me is wondering why I need their permission. Its just that I hate knowing I will always be that bitch who ‘took’ him away. I will always be that whore who took her happiness away. The fact that people will never be happy that we are happy. I feel like they are bad friend… but I feel like I am even worse of a friend. Thinking they are bad friends and just wanting them to be happy for me. I want to tell them what is going on in my life and in my head but that would make it even worse for me. Thinking they are only understanding because they are (in a way) forced to. Its not right. I hope that this dies down. But then again why do I even care. I have a few people who really don’t care, and they are just happy that I am happy… well more like one person. She will always be happy that I am happy… as long as I don’t leave her randomly. Everyone has their own little part that they don’t like about it and their own little part they cant get over. I guess I have just been the kinda person who forgives easily… in some ways. I still don’t forgive Tyler for cheating on me… but I also don’t hold it against him. I still get mad about it some times, but most of the time I blame myself for that. I guess I kinda blame myself for things I shouldn’t, and don’t blame myself for the things that I should. My mind is a maize and there is no way out. Right now I just want Evan to… idk… be over it isn’t the right word for it… I don’t really know if I really want him to be anything. More of I want to be able to deal with him not being ok with it. I don’t want to care that he is mad. I know that’s wrong but… idk. He isn’t talking to me so why should I want to talk to him… I guess I miss him cuz I really do still care for him. I just want him to care for me too. I want him to want to be my friend. But I know that this is not going to happy now… and maybe never.

I just wish Jon was home. That would make life much easier and better.

Thank you for reading!
~Until next time~
L8rz

So The Drama

There is a lot of drama going on in my life right now… well it is more like me dealing with it now. So if you want to read about it go for it, but hang in there with me I am not going to be using names. I could but… meh.

***WARNING***
POSSIBLE CONFUSION AHEAD

About a week before school got out my boyfriend and I broke up (we say its mutually but I’m not really sure he believes that… its hard to say cuz he agreed to it and he didn’t fight to keep me so I’m just going to go with mutually). We had gotten into a fight because he has heard from my best guy friend’s girlfriend that I had a crush on someone. (The guy I had a crush on was my best guy friend). So it was true but I wasn’t going to act on it or anything becuase I really wanted it to work out with my boyfriend at the time. I had driven to his house a week before we broke up to ask him if everything was ok (this had been rocky since I has freaked out about him not reading a book in our CIS Lit class) and he said that everything was fine. I must say that he was prolly scared that I was going to break up with him (even though I’m pretty sure I said “Don’t freak out, I’m not going to break up with you.”) But that doesn’t really matter anymore. So anyways… we broke up. I was hanging out with my two girl friends when me best guy friends girlfriend started texting me all angry like. She asked me if I wanted her and her boyfriend to break up. I can’t honestly say that I wanted them to work out (I know that it was terrible of me but I was upset that she had told my boyfriend that I had a crush on her boyfriend… even though it was true. My boyfriend couldn’t handle that kinda thing. It was nothing just a crush people get those all the time and get over them. Its part of life.) I didn’t get her text message right away so she texted me like a minute later saying she took my silence as a yes, I wanted them to break up. So I texted her back that I didn’t want them to break up… yada yada yada… but that she will get what shes got coming to her. (I know my past bitchyness was coming out. And I was still hurt that Evan and I had broken up.) So her and her boyfriend started having problems becuase she was the ‘reason’ why my boyfriend and I had broken up. (‘reason’ is becuase… well I can’t completly blame her for it. She is just told my boyfriend and made things… unhappy. lol. I’ll go with that.) So the end of the school year is aprotching and it is the last day for the seniors. And of course… my best guy friend breaks up with his girlfriend. I can’t say that I was surprised but I must say it would have been better if he would have waited until after we were done… like the graduation ceremony and the all night party. But w/e. So of course everyone kinda saw him and me ‘getting together’. People have basically always asked if we were dating so I guess it wasn’t a shocker to people really, but I can’t say people were happy about it. Oh no no no. They were anything but happy. We waited roughly two weeks… more two weeks for me but like a week for his ex-girlfriend. So then I got a bunch of text messages from his ex and all her little friends (ok not all… just two). Lets just say they were nasty messages, and I was being a little smart ass to them… well to her (the ex). I do actually still have all of them becuase I am a weird person who likes to look back and remind myself that people really do hate me. Its just to double check that I don’t get on a high horse and think that everyone in my life will like me. Brings me back to reality that people will always dislike or hate me. Which ever you prefer. The best part about all of this is… My ex-boyfriend totaly and compleatly hates me. He will not speak to me. i can see where he is coming from. My new boyfriend was the guy I was always flirting with and stuff but when I was with Evan I was with Evan not Jon. I like to think that the relationship that I had with my ex ment something but I talked to him the other day and I am pretty sure that he really wishs we never even dated. I think that no matter what people say or do that will always hurt the most. He is one of the sweetest guys ever, and he knows how to treat his girlfriend… its just a I am very abnormal. So I am a hand full. Anyways there is a third girl… my new boyfriends ex… before the last one. lol. So two ex-girlfriends… We shall call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. So Thing 2… very very evil little girl… ok maybe not evil. but… I don’t even know the right words to describe her. I swear she feeds off of hate. and now my ex and Thing 1 and Thing 2 are basically the best of friends. That would be all fine and stuff but Thing 1 and Thing 2 (in my eyes) are feeding off of my ex and making him hate me more, and making him really wish that we never even dated. (My ex and I actually broke up a couple times and got back together before all of this. We had a little over a year alltoghether though.) During our breakups Thing 2 was his go to girl. She set him up with her cousin whom he is now dating(?) I’m pretty sure thats what going on. Cant be possative cuz I am not told things like that… and I am currently blocked from him facebook. (haha) (now I can  ‘laugh’ about that. But I was really upset when it happened). And we have yet to speak since I asked him if he regreted me. But I cant say I blame him I was a pretty terrible girlfriend. I just wish that everything would be ok sooner or later. (Hopefully sooner rather then later) I meen after all we are all dying… some of us a little faster then others. I will take all of it mainly becuase there is no sence fighting the side I can defend best… unless, of course, I play devils advocate. Then I take no prisioners… lol. even though I don’t normally win with that either… oh well

All in all. I can’t wait for college. My mentallity is now “Anywhere but here”

Thank you all for reading through that… I hope you understood it. 🙂
~Until next time~
L8rz