Missing Him

{ July 26, 2008 @ 7:05 am } · { Feelings, Relationships }
{ Tags: people: christina, people: evan, people: jon, people: tyler }

So I definitely hung out with my best friend, Christina, and her kinda boyfriend, Tyler, who happened to be my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me. I am actually really happy for them. I have been getting all giggly and stuff with her. 🙂 I was giggly about it way before she was. They were just making me sad cuz they were so cute, holding hands and stuff. It made me miss my boyfriend, Jon. I want him to come home now! I fucking hate the army. I know its not their fault that he is gone, he chose to join after all but I really wish he was back already. It’s only been one week and four days, but it feels like forever. I just want to be with him again so I’m not all depressed when I am with Christina and Tyler. I don’t want to get jealous about them. They are so cute together that it makes me happy, but it also makes me sad. I am jealous for so many reasons. They get to be happy and have people not care about it. People are happy that they are happy. I wish that people would be happy about Jon and me too. I know that isn’t going to happen because we were basically forbidden to date each other but it seems so unfair. We hurt people and yes that is wrong I don’t want people to sit there and say that its right, its just that I hate the feeling of… them wanting me to be unhappy… I don’t know if that the right words for it. Half the time I want someone to day that its okay that I am dating Jon because it makes me happy, but the other part of me is wondering why I need their permission. Its just that I hate knowing I will always be that bitch who ‘took’ him away. I will always be that whore who took her happiness away. The fact that people will never be happy that we are happy. I feel like they are bad friend… but I feel like I am even worse of a friend. Thinking they are bad friends and just wanting them to be happy for me. I want to tell them what is going on in my life and in my head but that would make it even worse for me. Thinking they are only understanding because they are (in a way) forced to. Its not right. I hope that this dies down. But then again why do I even care. I have a few people who really don’t care, and they are just happy that I am happy… well more like one person. She will always be happy that I am happy… as long as I don’t leave her randomly. Everyone has their own little part that they don’t like about it and their own little part they cant get over. I guess I have just been the kinda person who forgives easily… in some ways. I still don’t forgive Tyler for cheating on me… but I also don’t hold it against him. I still get mad about it some times, but most of the time I blame myself for that. I guess I kinda blame myself for things I shouldn’t, and don’t blame myself for the things that I should. My mind is a maize and there is no way out. Right now I just want Evan to… idk… be over it isn’t the right word for it… I don’t really know if I really want him to be anything. More of I want to be able to deal with him not being ok with it. I don’t want to care that he is mad. I know that’s wrong but… idk. He isn’t talking to me so why should I want to talk to him… I guess I miss him cuz I really do still care for him. I just want him to care for me too. I want him to want to be my friend. But I know that this is not going to happy now… and maybe never.

I just wish Jon was home. That would make life much easier and better.

Thank you for reading!
~Until next time~
L8rz